Last year, I was working with a client I’ll call Lee. He was a young guy, new to New York, and working his way up the ladder in the publishing industry. He worked a ton, and he was exhausted all the time.
He knew he was going to burn out if he didn’t get more sleep. When he came to see me, he’d already resolved to go to bed earlier.
“Great,” I said. “What’s one thing you can do to make that happen?”
“Well, I’ve read that it helps if you put away electronics an hour before bed,” he said. “So I’d like to commit to doing that.”
Like many of us, Lee started off well. The first night he turned off his phone, iPad, and computer, and put them in his office. He fell asleep later than he’d hoped, but more quickly than usual.
The second night he followed the same routine, and the same thing happened. Soon, he expected, he’d become a morning person.
Only he didn’t. The next week, he had to work late every night, which meant he was on his computer till midnight. When his alarm went off, he
...A few weeks ago, my family took a trip down to Houston to visit my husband’s dad and stepmom. While we were there, we saw our friends Edward and Istra. They’re one of those couples who create this amazing synergy in their pursuits – which, in their case, is doing (or rather conquering) triathlons.
Edward got into them first, and he actually went professional for a while. His wife Istra started doing them soon after, and now, she’s just finished her third Ironman.
If you know me, you know that nothing fascinates me more than people performing at their best. Overcoming challenges, digging deep into their mental and physical resources to accomplish amazing things. Having a done a few sprint triathlons myself, I can appreciate how much stamina, dedication, and strength it takes.
Two things in part...
The other day, I ran into an old friend from college, Amber. She and I had kept in touch only sporadically, and last I’d heard she was living in England, so it was a total surprise to pass her on a sidewalk in Lower Manhattan.
We made plans for lunch, and when I saw her next, we got to talking. She told me about her fashion design business, her kids, her favorite places to travel. At one point, I said, “Amber, you seem like such a different person than how I knew you in college.”
I remembered her as being timid—kind, sweet, fun, but not particularly ambitious. The woman across from me was empowered, bold, confident.
She laughed. “I am,” she said. “I could not be more different. You knew the ‘old’ me.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Growing up, I had terrible anxiety,” she said. “Every little thing triggered an enormous stress response. Homework, making lunch, doing chores – whenever someone asked me to do something, this tidal wave of stress crashed over me. So I always let other people step...
The other day, at Whole Foods buying groceries for dinner, I passed by a display of chocolate bars. “Maybe I’ll bring one home for Kaya and Ty,” I thought, and began inspecting the labels. I decided on my favorite – dark chocolate with sea salt (yum!).
By the end of the week, the chocolate had disappeared– but they’d never touched it. I don’t know if they even knew about it. Piece by piece, it had been my little treat.
This wasn’t the first time that had happened. But recently it dawned on me how ridiculous it is, that I have this rule: I don’t buy chocolate for myself. I can buy it for my kids, though – even if they don’t get any of it.
It makes no sense, and yet it’s dictated my shopping choices for years!
We all have our own “rules.” They dictate our behavior. They reflect our beliefs. And they help – or hurt – our goals. Sometimes, like my chocolate rules, they’re unconscious – we don’t even know we have them.
Rules are linked to our identity—how we see and define ourselves. F...
The other day, a friend and I got to talking about rituals – specifically, about how successful people all seem to have them. They exercise, meditate, drink tea or green juice, journal – often at the same time every day.
“What are your rituals?” she asked me, and at first, I felt sheepish. I couldn’t think of any.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I exercise, I juice, I journal – but they don’t feel like rituals. My days are so different, it’s hard to keep any kind of consistency.”
“Well, that’s okay,” she said. “That doesn’t mean you don’t have any rituals. What’s something you do every day that helps you keep a strong mindset?”
I thought about it, and the only thing I could come up with was this: every morning, before anyone else is awake, I get up and have my coffee. It’s my one moment of peace and quiet – the calm before the storm. During those few precious minutes, I just sit and savor my “me” time, because I know there won’t be another one like it for the next sixteen hours. Sometimes...
When I first decided to become a motivational speaker, I started going to Toastmasters meetings to practice public speaking. With my background in acting, both onscreen and onstage, I thought I had a pretty good shot at it. I loved being front of people, tapping into emotions, telling a moving story, seeing how my performance could change their perspective.
What I didn’t count on was how hard it was to write a speech. In Hollywood, someone always handed me a script. Now, I had to write my own speeches. And it did not come easily to me.
Sometimes it didn’t come to me at all. I slaved over those speeches. One night, I was trying to perfect a speech I had to give the next morning. It was a very personal and emotional story, so I wanted to get it right. I spent hours that night, staring at a blinking cursor on my screen, overwhelmed by everything I wanted to say. Around 4 a.m., I fell asleep, with only a jumbled mess of ideas written down.
The next day, I stood up to give the speech.
...
The year was 2002. I was running my first marathon in L.A., but this was not the sunny California weather you’d expect. It rained about 6 inches, and it actually hailed once during the run.
But despite that, I ran, and by mile 12, I’d hit my stride – I was in a state of flow. Effortless action and enjoyment. Complete immersion. Being in the zone. Have you ever felt that way when you’re doing something you love?
I ran up Highland Ave, a pretty boulevard I’d had driven hundreds of times. But today it looked different. Despite the clouds, it was bright, and the rain had softened to a light drizzle. Everything was in sync—my arms and legs moved in perfect time; I could breathe deeply; the theme song to Chariots of Fire blared in my head. I felt like I could run forever.
Then something changed. By mile 20, I was dragging. Every part of my body ached, and all I wanted to do was lie down on the pavement and sleep. People can just run around me, I thought, seriously considering it. All my h...
When the Olympics are on, it’s a safe bet you’ll find me in front of my TV, cheering, shouting, biting my nails, and yes, crying. Considering that I almost never watch TV otherwise, you might say I’m a little bit obsessed.
To me, the Olympics are the ultimate mind-body-emotion experience. These athletes have put their heart and soul on the line. They’ve pushed themselves physically and mentally, while holding it together emotionally. And we get to see their shining moments.
So many stories from this year’s Olympics could easily become Disney movies. After watching the zillionth one (it was Nathan Chen’s comeback in long form figure skating, after such a disastrous short form), I got to wondering – what kind of mindset do you need in order to do that?
So I did a little research. I found dozens of ways to get an Olympic mindset, and here are my top five:
At a conference once, I heard someone ask Lisa Oz, Dr. Oz’s wife, what it was like to work with her husband. She laughed, and said “My husband loves to work. And I knew that if I didn’t create a scenario where I was working with him, then I’d never see him. So that’s what I did.”
I can relate, because Stephen works a lot. He’s so talented, both creatively and business-wise, that at first I didn’t know how I could contribute. I really wanted to be a part of what he was doing, but I didn’t see right away what he needed from me.
Fortunately, though, it didn’t take long to figure out. My forte is mindset, and creative types especially need help in that department. Early on, I began coaching Stephen, and he came to rely on me for it. He’d come to me (sometimes daily), saying “I need a shift, I need a new perspective, what do I need to do?” We’d talk, and then he’d go off and take the actions he needed, and voila. His business has skyrocketed.
We created this wonderful synergy. Together
...
I read an article once where Sigourney Weaver told about a time she was in an acting class. Looking around, she thought, “I feel so sorry for all these people. They’re not going to make it, and I am.”
Soon after I read that, I was in an acting class myself, and I sure as hell did not feel that way. But, I admired the strength and confidence she must have had, to believe that. I didn’t think she said it in a mean way – it wasn’t like “They suck and I’m awesome.” It was just a belief she had, a sense of certainty that she’d succeed. And she was right. (I’m guessing the rest of the group didn’t all go on to win Oscars).
But that day in my own class, I looked around and thought, Wow, these people are so talented. How on earth am I ever going to make it?
And that troubled me. I knew that if that was the belief I carried around me, my results would reflect that. So I made a conscious effort to change my beliefs.
It didn’t work for me to think “I’m going to make it and they’re not.” That ...
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