Nearly 25 years ago, I found myself perched atop a black lava rock on the Big Island of Hawaii, alternately, gazing out at the beautiful ocean and fiercely, writing page after page of everything I wanted in a romantic partner. 

At the time, my acting career was flourishing but I was still reeling from a divorce and the prospect of a healthy and happy relationship seemed elusive. As I looked around, I didn’t see any strong relationship role models, the marriage statistics in Hollywood didn’t give me any confidence, yet deep down, I yearned to find true, lasting love. 

Have you ever felt that way? That true love was just out of reach?

Well, I decided to give anything a try including the seemingly basic manifestation exercise of writing down my deepest desires. I also committed to saying “yes” to all requests (well almost), I asked friends to set me up, initiated conversations with strangers and explored any viable places for meeting someone...

Years ago my husband wrote and sold a romantic comedy script called I Hate Valentines Day.

Every time the title came up, people would laugh, almost with a sigh of relief, as if to say “Yes I hate Valentine’s Day too.” There is so much pressure on this one single day whether you are in a relationship or not to have this unbridled, fairytale LOVE depicted in a Hollywood movie.

I have been with my husband for over 20 years, and I love him dearly. Don’t me wrong, I’m happy to celebrate that but even I feel this daunting need to either live up to the expectations of this day or be a rebel and “just not care”

And I know for my single friends, that is often more heightened. It shows up as deep sadness bordering on feelings of “failure”. Or a need to celebrate with a friend to prove that you are worthy, and love is not relegated to a romantic relationship. Or of course the stance of steely independence, “I’m fine, I...

Awhile back, I began coaching an entrepreneur named Heidi – a successful, confident interior designer who just couldn’t figure out why her marriage was a mess.

“I don’t get it!” she said, pacing around my office. For someone who sounded so baffled, she looked incredibly put together – stylish heels, tailored suit, waves upon waves of blonde hair. “My partner and I just can’t seem to make it work. We’re going to therapy, and I’m trying everything our therapist says – we’re communicating more, I’m visualizing, I’m even meditating. But we still can’t seem to stop fighting. I’m at the end of my rope.” She stopped pacing at looked at me imploringly. “Can you help?”

“Tell me about the relationship you want.” I said, and she reeled off a list of things.

“Good communication. Love. Intimacy. Trust,” she said breezily, like she knew the right answer and had...

A lot of people wonder: can a life coach help with relationships?. When I get asked that, I have to smile - because so often that’s what people come to me about, that sometimes I feel like I’m a relationship coach rather than a life coach.

By now, I’ve had years of experience helping people find (and keep) love, not only because of my years as a life coach, but also because of my own experiences. Today, I’m married to the love of my life, the father of my children, my husband of almost 20 years. But before Stephen, there was Bob. And with Bob, I learned the hard way what makes a relationship grow and flourish - or fall apart.

How All the Best Love Stories Begin

When I was still in college, before I moved to LA to try my hand at acting, Bob and I met the old-fashioned way: he crashed into my friend’s car. 

I was riding with a friend on Route 200 - actually, we were on an exit ramp - when from out of nowhere, another car slammed into ours....

Last year, I worked with a client I'll call Michelle, who had recently gotten out of a long-term relationship. She had a good job at a publishing house, and she loved working with writers. But she felt lost. She wanted to feel centered and purposeful, but all she felt was anxiety. Finally, a mutual friend referred her to me.

"I feel like I've completely lost my direction," she told me during our first session. "I just got out of this relationship, so now's the time to do something special, something meaningful. But I don't know what to do."

"Tell me about a time you're proud of," I said. "Something in your life that you look back on and think, Wow, I did that."

"Well," she said, "I'm proud that I work in book publishing. It's a competitive field, so…" She trailed off, sounding unconvinced.

"What's something you're really proud of?" I said.

She thought. "I guess…there was this writing contest in college, and I won first place for a story. It was nothing big. But that's...

This is our third blog in a series on Identity. Check out the first two on Money and Food!

Years ago, before Stephen and I were married, I almost ruined our relationship because of my beliefs.

I had spent years living and reliving the same pattern: I'd meet a guy. We'd fall in love (or at least it felt like it). I'd put him up on a pedestal, thinking everything he did was so important and special, while everything I did was small and inconsequential.

A year or so into Stephen's and my relationship, I noticed my old habits coming back. When we spent time together, I'd pepper him with questions about his work, his day, his thoughts and feelings. But when he asked about me, I would shrink. "Oh, it's fine," I'd say, and hurry back to what seemed like the most important topic: him.

When I noticed this happening, I was horrified. Why did I keep doing this? How could the same thing happen again and again?

I was so upset that I called my mother, crying. "Mom," I sobbed into the phone, "I...

You're probably hearing a lot about New Year's Resolutions right now – but before I hear any more about that, I want to talk about the most crucial aspect of making change: stepping into your own power.

Many people I meet today are independent, motivated, hardworking, all that good stuff. But just as many of them consistently wait for permission before trying something new. It's like they think they need someone else to tell them it's okay. Often, this is unconscious. They don't realize they're doing it. Which can be even worse, because then they never do any of the work to overcome that tendency.

Earlier this year, I worked with a client I'll call Liz, who wanted to branch out on her own in business. "I've worked in IT for twenty years," she told me, "and now I have an idea for my own consulting business."

"Great," I said, and we began talking about her vision, her strengths, a potential action plan.

That's when things got hairy. When I asked her if she'd commit to a certain...

A few years ago, I met Dianna for the first time. She’d just moved to New York for a modeling job, and she was having trouble settling in. She missed her family and had a hard time making friends. She was lonely.

During our second session, I noticed that Dianna had a pattern: she criticized herself about everything. Her personality, her body, her teeth, her intelligence—nothing was safe from her negativity. She even said once she thought her elbows were ugly.

“It’s just how I am,” she said, shrugging, when I pointed this out to her. “I’m really critical of myself. I have high standards.”

I could tell Dianna thought that all her self-criticism wasn’t destructive. But from what I saw, it was making her hate herself, and her life.

“What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror?” I asked her.

“You want the truth?” she said. I nodded. “Look at those bags! Those wrinkles! Is that...

I read an article once where Sigourney Weaver told about a time she was in an acting class. Looking around, she thought, “I feel so sorry for all these people. They’re not going to make it, and I am.”

Soon after I read that, I was in an acting class myself, and I sure as hell did not feel that way. But, I admired the strength and confidence she must have had, to believe that. I didn’t think she said it in a mean way – it wasn’t like “They suck and I’m awesome.” It was just a belief she had, a sense of certainty that she’d succeed. And she was right. (I’m guessing the rest of the group didn’t all go on to win Oscars).

But that day in my own class, I looked around and thought, Wow, these people are so talented. How on earth am I ever going to make it?

And that troubled me. I knew that if that was the belief I carried around me, my results would reflect that. So I made a conscious effort to change my...