Recently, I stumbled upon the question: Where are you accommodating in life?
In what ways are you settling or compromising? Letting someone else get what they want, but not you?
We do that for a variety of reasons. We want to be liked or needed. We want to fit in. We want to keep the peace. Maybe we’re afraid to go the extra mile. Or maybe we don’t believe in ourselves, so we just do what works for everyone else. We people-please, we discount our own needs.
Interestingly, this came up again when a client of mine, “David,” told me about a business class he took. He went in hoping to learn about negotiating, and came out with a lesson on accommodating.
The instructor began class by asking them to pair up and negotiate a deal. Each person would be marked on various aspects, including whether or not they actually made a deal.
David went about it the way he knew how, in a way that’s worked for him in the past. He started off by asking his partner,...
It was a beautiful sunny day, several years ago, when a new client, Serena floated into my office. She had a buoyant energy and her smile lit up the room. She glided across the space and sat down in the chair, almost as if it had offered her a royal invitation.
I began, “It’s so nice to meet you, how can I help you today?”
Within in a split second her cheerful demeanor dramatically shifted, “I’m going to be fired, she blurted out. Then with mix of embarrassment and frustration, she added "I’m terrible at my job."
“Oh, I’m curious, what makes you so terrible at your job?” I asked gently
“I can’t ever get things done on time, I’m a chronic procrastinator.” she declared with absolutism. Then without skipping a beat, she named all the reasons why this was “terrible” and how it has “always” been a problem that she could “never” change. She wasn’t even sure why she...
Years ago, I got into an elevator with two people I’d never seen before, and I happened to overhear their discussion.
“Most nights I don’t finish work till almost three a.m.,” said the first person, sounding quite pleased with himself. “I can’t help it. I’m a bit of a perfectionist.”
“That’s probably what’s holding you back,” the other person said, without missing a beat. The next ten seconds ticked by in a tense silence. When the doors finally opened to my floor, the self-proclaimed perfectionist was just then piecing together a response.
And although I never saw those two people again, I’ve never forgotten what they said.
Why has that memory stayed with me?
Several reasons. First, I can totally relate to the first guy. Even though I learned long ago that perfectionism is not a virtue, I still fall into its trap– and even catch myself clinging to it sometimes as if it will somehow guarantee my...
Last winter, my friend Gigi told me a funny story about the time she moved to Brooklyn in her early twenties.
She was living in Ithaca, a small town about four hours upstate, and she was all excited to try to make it as a singer with her band in New York. Two days before she moved, though, she realized something relatively important: she didn't have any moving boxes. (Sometimes these things slip our minds, don’t they?) She didn't want to buy any, since she imagined they were prohibitively expensive, and she was broke. So she asked her roommate, Chris, if he had any.
"No," he said, "but let's go find some."
They walked downtown and started asking around. One person they asked, a guitarist playing Beatles songs on a street corner, suggested they ask at the liquor store. There, the manager there gave them a few Heineken boxes. Then he gestured to the shipping store across the street.
"They sell boxes," he said. "You can get all you want there."
So they went...
Impostor syndrome - the belief that you're a fraud - is one of the biggest productivity killers in our culture. Every day, it plagues millions of people with doubts and fears, keeping them from achieving their full potential. Especially in today's world of constant social media, where we're bombarded with images of other people's success, impostor syndrome robs people of their creativity and well-being, causing stress, burn-out, and poor performance.
When you suffer from Imposter Syndrome – whether it’s in your work, business, passion project, or even your relationships or health (yes, that’s real), you’re less likely to think creatively, problem-solve intelligently, and manage effectively.
Fortunately, there is a solution.
Are you ready? It’s simple:
Know your value.
Don’t freak out. I know what you’re thinking: How can I know my value when I don't feel like I’m enough?
Most people believe their value is so much “less”...
If you’ve never worked with a coach before, you might be wondering just what are some life coach basics. What is a life coach, anyway? What do they do, and what can I expect if I hire one?
Those are all great questions, and that’s why today, I’d like to share with you 3 basic truths about working with a life coach.
A life coach – a good one, anyway – will never make you feel uncomfortable, or do or say things you don’t want to do. They will never force you to answer a question, pressure you to take actions you don’t want to, or in any way make you feel threatened or pressured.
Why is that?
Because life coaching is built on the foundation that you are the master of your own life. You are in charge, 100% of the time.
In fact, it’s not holding that belief that often makes us need life coaches in the first place.
What the heck do I mean by that?
Let me tell you a quick story about one of my first...
The other day, my friend Maddie called to tell me she’d reached her fitness goal of swimming a full mile.
“That’s amazing,” I said. “I didn’t know you were interested in swimming! When did you start training for that?” We’d been talking about fitness goals at the beginning of January, and she hadn’t mentioned this at all.
“Oh, forever ago,” she said breezily. “2018, I think it was. I took a COVID hiatus, but when my building’s pool reopened, I started up again. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to jinx it. I never tell people my goals until after I’ve reached them.”
It was uncanny to hear that, because I’d just heard the exact opposite from my client Tim. “I always start by telling people what I’m doing,” he’d said last week. “That way, I’m on the hook—everyone’s expecting me to do it, so I can’t not.”
The other day, my friend Elizabeth called to tell me about a difficult time she was having at work. She’s the marketing director at an advertising firm, and she was trying to recreate a super-successful marketing campaign she’d run a few years ago – one that had won her multiple awards plus a hefty raise.
“I blew that campaign out of the water,” she said, “so I know I can do it. But I just can’t seem to get it right this time. Nothing is jiving…My team isn’t coming up with good ideas; I can’t seem to give them any useful feedback…I don’t get it! What am I doing wrong?”
This is common phenomenon that tends to happen when we try to recreate an earlier success. We think we got this; we think it should work, because it worked before, right? But then we end up frustrated and confused about why things aren’t going as planned.
It worked once before…shouldn’t it work this time?
Thanksgiving is in the air, which means there’s a lot of talk around every mindset guru’s favorite topic: gratitude.
Most of us have heard (and hopefully experienced) the life-changing benefits of gratitude: it reduces stress. It boosts our well-being. It’s even good for our immune system. It’s key to a healthy mindset, a happy mood, and a fulfilling life.
And yet, despite how important it is, sometimes it feels like there’s a limited amount of info out there about how to practice gratitude. Most of the time, people talk about keeping a gratitude journal. And while that’s a fantastic tool and I absolutely recommend it (and I even remember to do it sometimes), it’s not the only way.
Today, I want to introduce you to a twist on gratitude – a not-so-common way to shift your mindset toward positivity and thankfulness. It’s called benefit finding.
Here’s how it works.
Your brain is designed to answer the questions you ask it....
Every morning for 10 days, you’ll get an email from me with a special (and short) activity that focuses on one important aspect of manifesting your true desires.
Sign up now and join others committed to REAL CHANGE, NOW