Have you ever felt like there is a whole debate club living in your head? It’s particularly loud when you are under pressure, faced with a challenge or going for a goal you really want?
It’s as if one part of your brain is saying “Go for it, you can do it”, while another voice negates that fiercely, “No you can’t, who do you think you are? Get out while you still can.” And then of course there is that other slightly more reasonable voice that convinces you to" just try" , "do your best" but then comes in and chokes when the pressure gets too intense.
If you have ever had that happen, you are definitely not alone.
For some reason, there were lots of big sporting events for people in my life this past weekend and that is a classic place for this mind game to rear its ugly head. First, my client Teresa was scheduled for a Spartan 10K trail run and called Friday with very “rational” reasons why she should...
Back in California, I had a friend and mentor named Sheva Carr. Sheva taught heart-math, which is the practice of syncing your physiology and emotions through your heart rhythms; It’s a fascinating science. Sheva and I spent a lot of time talking about my love of acting, as well as my ultimate desire to help people.
Naturally, I had concocted a whole strategy on how I would do this.
“First, I’ll redo my resume. Then I need to get a new agent, and maybe a new manager, who’ll help me get a role in a series. From there, I could get cast in a movie, and then I’ll finally be famous enough to help people,” I said, rather proud of my plan.
“Can’t you just do the last step?” said Sheva.
“No,” I said. “That’s what I have to do to get famous.”
“I’ve noticed something about you, Sonia,” she said gently. “You think you have to go ten extra steps before you get anywhere. It can never...
When I ask the question “Do you think you are addicted to your emotions?” I usually get a very stressed and uncertain response. “I’m not sure, is that possible?
The answer is YES, and it is surprising how many of us are addicted to our default emotions and don’t even realize it.
Just to clarify, it’s not actually the emotion itself but the chemical release that comes with the emotion. Each emotion has a chemical reaction, and our brains respond by giving us the feeling of relief or a reward. So, the more we experience that “chemical hit” the more we need or crave it just to get ourselves back to what feels “normal.”
It’s not that different from an addiction to sugar, alcohol, or drugs only this shows up in the form of anger, anxiety, sadness, victim thinking, blaming, guilt, shame, etc. Don’t’ get me wrong, all these emotions may be valid, and I am a huge believer in feeling your emotions and working...
Years ago, I began to hear how cold plunges and cold shower were healthy. That sent shockwaves through my system, and I vacillated between total denial and the compelling desire to prove that theory wrong …. surely subjecting yourself to freezing cold water, by choice, was a terrible idea.
You see, when I was young…okay, okay, I admit, even now as a grown adult, I would stand by the side of the ocean, lake, pool or anywhere there was cold water and wait until everyone was about to get out. Then I would jump in and immediately jump out again…just so I could say I did it but I wouldn’t have to spend any time in the .
I know it’s kind of wimpy, but I’ve been just fine with that. However, recently I've had several teachers, friends, and even strangers, yes, a woman on the subway tell me about the incredible value of cold showers and how I "had" to do it. Ugh…..it was clearly a sign.
So I begrudgingly tried to...
Recently, I stumbled upon the question: Where are you accommodating in life?
In what ways are you settling or compromising? Letting someone else get what they want, but not you?
We do that for a variety of reasons. We want to be liked or needed. We want to fit in. We want to keep the peace. Maybe we’re afraid to go the extra mile. Or maybe we don’t believe in ourselves, so we just do what works for everyone else. We people-please, we discount our own needs.
Interestingly, this came up again when a client of mine, “David,” told me about a business class he took. He went in hoping to learn about negotiating, and came out with a lesson on accommodating.
The instructor began class by asking them to pair up and negotiate a deal. Each person would be marked on various aspects, including whether or not they actually made a deal.
David went about it the way he knew how, in a way that’s worked for him in the past. He started off by asking his partner,...
There’s a lot of buzz out there around the importance of an entrepreneur mindset. Why?
Whether you are running a family or a business or even working for someone else, there are critical skills and benefits that can be harnessed from this mindset: creative thinking, seeing possibilities instead of problems, risk taking, perseverance, developing trust and confidence in oneself, listening and teamwork, and delegating to name a few.
So you might be wondering, what exactly is an entrepreneur mindset? And how do I get one?
According to the Journal of Entrepreneurship, researchers from the Indian School of Business found three main themes in the mindsets of successful entrepreneurs: they are people-oriented, purpose-oriented, and learning-oriented.
Let’s go through each one of those, explore what they mean, and learn how you can apply them to your life and business.
Entrepreneur mindsets are people-oriented.
Ah, the holidays! A time of unmitigated joy, right? Festive lights and yummy food and parties with those certain people who know exactly what to say to get under our skin.
Yes, I’m talking about family.
For most people I know, the holidays can be magical – but they can also be awkward, triggering, and stressful. They mean coming into contact with relatives they we only see once a year, and often, those relatives ask questions or make comments that make us feel misunderstood, not good enough, or just plain irritated.
My friend Misha prepared for last Christmas Eve at her sister’s like she prepares for board meetings. She memorized stats on how well her business was doing, so when people asked, she could brag about her achievements. Later, she said she felt kind of scummy, like she hadn’t been totally truthful – but she hadn’t known how else to handle it.
Ron, a former client, skipped one family gathering because he knew they were going to ask about...
Nowadays, we talk about the pandemic like we talk about the weather – it’s everywhere, it’s constant, there’s always something new that impacts our daily lives. But just because it’s “normal” now doesn’t mean that our lives aren’t still disrupted, or that many of us are still struggling to navigate each change. We’re juggling plans for work, kids, and activities; trying to plan for the next few months; and doing our darndest to stay healthy, productive, and sane.
It’s at times like this that we need one simple mindset hack: flexibility.
Flexibility works in some surprising ways, and I’m not talking about doing splits and backbends (necessarily). Let me tell a little story about my client Jenn, and how she learned the true value of becoming flexible – in more ways than one.
Jenn was an interior designer here in New York, and she was going through a lot of changes: the end of a long-term relationship,...
Years ago, I got into an elevator with two people I’d never seen before, and I happened to overhear their discussion.
“Most nights I don’t finish work till almost three a.m.,” said the first person, sounding quite pleased with himself. “I can’t help it. I’m a bit of a perfectionist.”
“That’s probably what’s holding you back,” the other person said, without missing a beat. The next ten seconds ticked by in a tense silence. When the doors finally opened to my floor, the self-proclaimed perfectionist was just then piecing together a response.
And although I never saw those two people again, I’ve never forgotten what they said.
Why has that memory stayed with me?
Several reasons. First, I can totally relate to the first guy. Even though I learned long ago that perfectionism is not a virtue, I still fall into its trap– and even catch myself clinging to it sometimes as if it will somehow guarantee my...
Awhile back, I began coaching an entrepreneur named Heidi – a successful, confident interior designer who just couldn’t figure out why her marriage was a mess.
“I don’t get it!” she said, pacing around my office. For someone who sounded so baffled, she looked incredibly put together – stylish heels, tailored suit, waves upon waves of blonde hair. “My partner and I just can’t seem to make it work. We’re going to therapy, and I’m trying everything our therapist says – we’re communicating more, I’m visualizing, I’m even meditating. But we still can’t seem to stop fighting. I’m at the end of my rope.” She stopped pacing at looked at me imploringly. “Can you help?”
“Tell me about the relationship you want.” I said, and she reeled off a list of things.
“Good communication. Love. Intimacy. Trust,” she said breezily, like she knew the right answer and had...
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